


Sinking Ship

by nanodayoooooo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Full on Angst, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Breakdown, No Fluff, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:39:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanodayoooooo/pseuds/nanodayoooooo
Summary: Levi and Erwin worked hard to preserve their relationship. But when it comes to it, would Erwin fight for him? Or was Levi just fighting a lonely battle on his own?





	Sinking Ship

"Will you fight for me?" Levi asked. "When it comes to it, will you fight for me? Will you fight for us?" 

Levi fiddled with the hem of his shirt, uncertainty laced in his question. Apprehension mixed with insecurity. Erwin could sense the plethora of emotions. Levi has never been one to be open with his feelings, but after being together for so long, he knew how to read Levi's tell-tale signs. For example, when he was angry, he might look impassive but there is a certain glint. A fire in his eyes. When he wanted to get sexual, the furrow in between his brows are no longer prominent. But right now? Right now, Levi was scared. The expression on his face gave nothing away and to normal people, Levi just looked plain pissed. But to Erwin, Levi was terrified. 

"Levi, I love you. You know that right?" Erwin started. 

Levi looked up, cocking his eyebrow. He knew without a doubt that Erwin loved him, but to what extent? Would he do anything for him? Would he salvage their relationship? Would he go against what everyone said? Would he fight for them?

Their relationship started off, purely physical. Erwin frequently called in favours from Levi. It was purely physical to Erwin, but Levi had feelings for Erwin and that was why he tolerated months of just doing nothing but being physical with each other. It hurt when Erwin only relied on Levi for handjobs and occasional blowjobs. But Levi took what he could get. He was never one to complain, especially when it granted him contact with the person he liked. And Levi was convinced that that was all their relationship would turn out to be. So, he was completely blindsided when after half a year, Erwin came through and made his feelings known. Made it known that Levi’s feelings were reciprocated.

Their relationship was not a bed of roses. They had to endure so many different challenges. At first, there was the issue of how Erwin was much older than Levi. Then, there was the issue of how Erwin was Levi’s superior. That did not bode well in the office setting, but they eventually got through that together, when Levi transferred into an entirely different department. That shut people up, seeing how that the relationship was not between a worker and his superior from that same department. The hardest obstacle that they had to face was the nature of their relationship. To put it simply, it was uncommon to see a homosexual couple. Their closest friends had trouble accepting it at first, but they gradually accepted it slowly in the course of their relationship.

Unfortunately, friends were one thing and family was another. Just because their friends accepted them, it did not mean that their families did, albeit only one of which was vehemently against the relationship while the other came to terms with it eventually. Levi’s parents were not agreeable at first, but when they realised that Erwin made their little boy happy, they reluctantly accepted it. On the other hand, Erwin’s parents continuously made Levi’s life a living hell. They snuck snarky remarks about Levi. They did not fail to remind Levi how it was his fault for tainting their precious son. How Levi was the one who brought Erwin down with him. Stooping so low to his level that Erwin was ‘not the same boy anymore’.

Levi took all the comments and complaints with a straight face. He endured everything, knowing that no matter what, it would be okay because he had Erwin. And to Levi, that was all he could ask for.

Throughout their relationship, Erwin was always so vague. He did not respond when Levi brought up the idea of a family. He merely shrugged when Levi started a conversation of kids. Erwin simply said, "Whatever you want" when Levi asked about a house. The questions and topics of the conversations were not unjustified. They have been together for four years, it was only natural for Levi to want to bring up their possible future together.

But when Erwin did everything to evade the questions and conversations, it was only time before Levi started feeling insecure and paranoid. So, it was only natural when the topic of the future of relationship came into the picture.

Yes, Erwin loved him and he too, Erwin. But what was the catch? The way Erwin started off his answer with saying the famous three word phrase was suspicious.

_No, stop it Levi. Don’t look into it too much. You’re just too paranoid._

Erwin loved him. That should be enough right? What they shared together, it was more than enough. The future was still a long way away. They would be together forever. _Right?_ Everything would be okay, wouldn’t it? Erwin’s mother might not like him, but all that mattered was that Erwin loved him. They could live together, happily. It would not matter, would it? It should be enough.

_Isn’t it?_

“Levi, I love you. But I can’t go against my mum.”

_Ah, there is it._

“Her opinion matters. If we end up together, there is a chance she will disown me”, Erwin said in a quiet voice. “Levi, I know you think that it’s okay, because we have each other right? But I-“

“But wouldn’t it be okay? We have each other. Isn’t that enough?” Levi interjected.

He did not understand what Erwin was getting at. The point of having each other was to know that no matter what, no matter the consequences and circumstances, they had each other ultimately. They could rely on each other in the end. Levi thought that that was enough. But apparently not.

“Levi, I can’t live with myself if my mum disowned me. She gave birth to me, Levi. I wouldn’t know what to do if both my parents stopped talking to me. You would know right, you are the only child Levi. How would you feel if your mum stopped talking to you because you’re together with me? You wouldn’t be happy”, Erwin retorted.

“Erwin, can’t you talk to your mum about it? You’re not even taking a chance? You’re just assuming that she would straight up abandon you just for being with another guy”, Levi replied.

“You don’t know my mum. You’re only speaking like that because you think she’s like yours”.

Levi stared straight at Erwin. He could not believe that Erwin made the comparison between their mothers. Levi’s mother was not the same as Erwin’s mother. They were in two different leagues. Levi’s mother might not agree to the fact that her son was in love with another male, but Levi knew that when it came to it, he knew that his mother would be happy for him. He knew that his mother loved him so much that it would not matter who Levi ended up with, so long as he was happy.

He knew that arguing with Erwin was futile. He knew that the fact that Erwin accepted his fate showed that in the end, Levi would come in second to his mother. Deep down, Levi knew that that made perfect sense. Which child would not put their mothers first? But he also secretly hoped that Erwin would fight for them.

_Why did he bother being with me for so long, if he knew that we would not end up together in the end?_

* * *

“How do you want to do this, Erwin?” Levi asked one day when they were having breakfast, as per usual just like how they did every other morning.

Erwin looked up from the newspaper he was previously reading. His eyes trailed up to look straight into Levi’s. He quirked his eyebrow, an obvious invitation prompting Levi to elaborate on his question.

“How do you want to do it when we finally break up?” Levi could see Erwin visibly wince at the last two words. Levi was anything but vague. He was straightforward to a fault. His bluntness is his strong suit and also his downfall, but throughout the years, Erwin had learnt to accept that.

It did not look like his bluntness was doing him any good deeds at this moment because Erwin looked like he was going to throw up his breakfast that he just stomached.

“Why are you talking about it now?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah well, right now, it’s practically inevitable and I’m slowly coming to terms with it”, Levi said impassively, even when everything he felt deep down was the opposite.

“Can we not bring it up now? Aren’t we having a nice breakfast together?” Erwin countered.

“As you wish”, Levi grabbed his cup by the rim and sipped his tea quietly.

* * *

 

Erwin was on a trip overseas for his work for 3 months and Levi has plenty of time to himself. Plenty of time to drown in his thoughts. Too much time to wallow in all the deprecating ideas in his head.  

 

It had been a month and a half since his boyfriend’s departure and it was undeniable that Levi missed him. He was used to waking up beside Erwin. He was used to having breakfast together, arguing about the answers to the crossword puzzle on the newspaper. Levi was used to driving to work together with Erwin. So, he was terribly lonely. The house was much too quiet to his liking, the drives to and fro the office, too silent. Levi treasured his peaceful moments, but he missed Erwin’s presence.

But was it right for him to miss Erwin?

Was it okay to want to want to be together with him?

Knowing that the end is inevitable, was it alright for Levi to harbour such feelings towards Erwin? Did he even still have the right to feel that way?

He groaned inwardly. Feelings were not his forte. He preferred to bottle everything up, to run away from any problems that involved the baggage of emotions. He dreaded succumbing himself to the weaknesses of being human.

A ding from his phone brought him out of his reverie and he blindly grabbed his phone. He saw that he just received an email. Seeing how he was already holding his phone, he decided to send Erwin a text.

**To Erwin:**

How’s everything?

**From Erwin:**

work is work. I can’t run away from it I guess

 

_Ah. Isn’t he going to ask me how I’m doing?_

Wait what was he talking about? Erwin usually asked him about his day, doesn’t he? Levi pondered for a while, recalling the times when his boyfriend actually asked him how he was doing.

_None. He never asked me before._

It took Levi three years to finally realise that Erwin had never once asked Levi how his day was. Actually, he never initiated any form of sweet words. It was always Levi first. He would be caught dead before Erwin actually said that he missed Levi without Levi bringing it up first and Erwin promptly replying with a curt “me too”.

 

**To Erwin:**

Well goodnight

**From Erwin:**

eh? Aren’t you missing something?

**To Erwin:**

Missing what?

**From Erwin:**

me?

Levi scoffed when he saw Erwin’s reply. Typical of him to just push off the feelings to Levi. No, Mr Stone Face could not miss someone. It always had to be the other person. Levi could not believe it took him this long to realise this fact about Erwin.

 

**To Erwin:**

Do I though?

**From Erwin:**

what do you mean

**To Erwin:**

How are you so sure I’m missing you?

Do I even have the right to miss you?

I’m scared to miss you Erwin

If it’s only me feeling everything, don’t you think it’s a tad unfair for me?

**From Erwin:**

that makes me sad

hearing you say that you’re scared to miss me

I think you’re just overthinking this Levi

**To Erwin:**

No but I think you should take some time to think about it though

Goodnight Erwin

 

With that, Levi switched off his phone, no longer wanting to hear any replies from Erwin. It hurt to think that missing Erwin was no longer permissible for him. It hurt to admit it out loud to Erwin. It hurt to hurt Erwin with his words.

But what could he do?

He was only person and he was struggling with the onslaught of his emotions on his own. Levi was clueless and he was dumbfounded. He did not know what to do. He could not go to anyone with this.

Their friends were all under the illusion that their relationship was all well and dandy. After all, Levi and Erwin have lasted the longest in their group of friends. That being said, in terms of relationship-related issues, the only person Levi could consult would be Erwin. His own boyfriend. And for obvious reasons, that would not work out.

So, Levi being Levi, he just told himself to do what he did best.

_Just go with the flow._

After the countless fights, how Levi would break down and Erwin would scream back at him, how eventually, Levi just gave up and gave in. Apologised and went with the flow. The countless of times Erwin conveniently forgot about him, when he was busy having fun in bars with his co-workers. How he would just forget Levi who was waiting for him at home. How Erwin just did not bother informing Levi of his whereabouts until Levi called him up at 4 in the morning. How they would frequently get into fights, with Erwin question their relationship, with no qualms and hurt Levi with his words. How Levi was always the last person to apologise for everything and anything that happened, even when he was not at fault.

_A relationship takes commitment._

_A relationship takes dedication from two people._

_A relationship is like a tug of war. Both of us have to keep pulling in order to make sure that neither of us falls. If one of us lets go, the other would fall in the mud._

_I’m sorry, Erwin._

_I love you, Erwin._

_Please don’t leave me, Erwin._

_I won’t pry anymore, I promise._

How Levi would always make sure that he told Erwin how much he loved him before going to sleep, even when he knew that Erwin was clearly ignoring his messages. How Levi put in so much in the relationship but Erwin did not.

Levi did what he did best. Levi just soldiered on despite knowing that in the end, he was the one who was going to fall and he had to be there to catch himself at the bottom.

* * *

 

Two and a half months down and their interactions with one another was abysmal. It was not like their daily messaging was that much to begin with, but recently, Levi would only get replies with Erwin when he asked something specific. If Levi did not initiate the conversation, Erwin would not bother initiating it instead.

It was painful for Levi and he did not know what to do.

He wanted to flood Erwin’s inbox with messages, asking him about his day. Asking him about his work. Asking him whether he missed Levi as much as Levi missed him.

But in the end, Levi just bit all his urges back down and ignored them. Bury them so deep down within himself, so that they did not re-emerge again.

However, that night, Levi got a notification from his Facebook application. Levi was not one for social media but because his phone was more advanced than Erwin’s, Erwin had logged into his account on Levi’s phone.

It was a message.

Levi knew that it was not his place to be snooping around in Erwin’s inbox. But he was curious. And he could not help himself, he could not help that he was curious as to what was going on in his boyfriend’s life when they were apart.

He was hoping for any clues to see what Erwin was doing on the business trip. He was hoping to see the progress that Erwin had made when he was over there, on the other side of the world, away from Levi.

But luck was not on his side.

The colour drained from his face when he saw the exchange of messages between Erwin and this mysterious person.

 

**Rico:**

I saw the pictures from last night

Had a lot of fun eh, Commander?

**Erwin:**

Hah yeah we just hit up a few bars

Today was really slow and just chill

**Rico:**

I can see that

Evidently obvious from all the pictures on my feed

**Erwin:**

Jealous?

**Rico:**

Somewhat

**Erwin:**

Don’t be

You can always join us tomorrow or something

**Rico:**

I might take you up on that offer

Although I can’t complain about the length of train rides back to the hotel

**Erwin:**

Oh that’s right, you live near the office

Lucky

I live on the other side of town

**Rico:**

Yeah I remember suffering through the train ride when you brought all of us to the hotel just to have dinner with you

 

By this point of the conversation, Levi was already seething. Who was this Rico? And _weren’t train rides our thing? Before we bought the car?_

Who is this bunch of people that Erwin conveniently brought to the hotel?

Maybe he was lonely?

_But why couldn’t he just call me? He could’ve sought out for comfort and company from me._

Was Levi not enough? Was it because Levi was a male? Did Erwin finally decide that he would be better off with women?

_Is that what it feels like to be tossed out for someone else?_

Levi’s mind was reeling with so many questions on the reason behind Erwin’s indifference towards him and how his personality took a 360 degree turn when it came to other people, other than Levi.

Deep down, he knew that there is a fifty percent possibility that he was making a mountain out of molehill. He might be throwing this out of proportions. He knew that rationally, Erwin would not cheat on him. And that Erwin still loved him. But why did it feel like this?

Like his heart was thrown into the drain.

 

**To Erwin:**

There are so many questions that I want to ask you

But then, I think to myself

Do I even have the right to ask anything from you

Should I feel jealous?

Can I feel jealous?

Do I have the right to feel jealous?

I want to ask you so many questions but at the same time, I don’t really want to know

And I don’t want to piss you off

**From Erwin:**

???

what happened levi

why the sudden spam

if you asked me harmless questions, I’m sure I won’t be angry with you

 

_LIES._

**To Erwin:**

Who is Rico?

**From Erwin:**

 what? Where did that come from?

she’s just someone from work

why

**To Erwin:**

Nothing

I was just curious

**From Erwin:**

just log out of my account if it makes you feel insecure and jealous

if you can’t take it to see me talk to people

what you can’t see can’t hurt you

**To Erwin:**

Woah why so defensive

**From Erwin:**

because

since when did Levi Ackerman, of all people, ask questions just because he’s curious

**To Erwin:**

Honestly Erwin, at this point, I don’t really care who you talk to

Knock yourself out

I won’t ask anymore if it’s just going to piss you off all the time

 

Levi felt happy that Erwin still remembered him enough to know that Levi was not someone who was happy to share him around. But Levi was also sad because Erwin insinuated that Levi was a jealous bitch. And that he could not keep his emotions enough to have his boyfriend talking to his friends.

Levi was aware that he might come off as overbearing at times, but there was never an instance where he banned Erwin from going to out his friends. There were times when Levi expressed his displeasure to how handsy Erwin’s friends were but he was not the kind to keep Erwin within the confines of the four halls of their house just to satisfy himself. He knew that Erwin had a life outside of their relationship and he respected that.

But for Erwin to hurl such accusations towards Levi, it was a hard pill for Levi to swallow.

* * *

 

It had been a full week since he last heard from Erwin. Their last conversation was the one where they argued about Levi being jealous and butthurt over Erwin’s friends.

Even though they did not converse much in their messages to each other, they still did keep in contact every day. Just occasional “work sucks” or “I’m busy” from Erwin during the day when Levi initiated conversations.

It was not much, but at least Levi knew that Erwin was still alive and breathing. Alive enough to respond to his messages.

Throughout the week, as the days passed by, Levi could feel how his heart just sunk deeper and deeper. As more days rolled by and the longer Erwin ignored him, Levi felt sad. But he also felt resigned.

Levi might be overthinking things. He might be taking it too far. But he knew realistically, that they were coming to an end.

His phone rang, stopping his train of thoughts and he blindly answered the call.

“Levi.”

“Erwin. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Levi could hear Erwin chuckle softly from the other side of the line.

He knew that this was it.

He knew that his time was up, but he still wanted to keep the tone light and cheery.

“If you’re waiting for the sign, this is it.”

“I see. I guess this is really it, huh?”

“Listen Levi, it’s not your fault. I want you to know that these three years were the best in my life. You were enough. I was in it for us. Never think that any of this was your fault. You’re good enough, Levi.”

“Not enough for you, apparently”, Levi whispered quietly into the receiver.

Erwin’s breath hitched.

“Levi. I’m sorry. I couldn’t fight for us. Levi, it was always supposed to be you and I against the world, but I fucked up.”

“Save it, Erwin. Don’t prolong the pain.”

“Take care of yourself Levi. I love you”.

“So did I, Erwin.”

This chapter of his life had already reached its last page, but he was desperately trying to hold the page down, to prevent it from flipping over.

But if Erwin was the one to force the page out of his hand to turn it, then what could Levi do to stop him?

_Ah there it is._

_The sinking feeling of my heart being ripped into pieces from my ribcage. The feeling of all the air being sucked out of my lungs. Everything, all at once. Tears rushing to my eyes. The feeling of my stomach twisting into knots._

Heartbreak. **We meet again.**

His relationship with Erwin was not something that he regretted. Like Erwin said, it was indeed the best three years he had ever had, despite all the ups and downs. Levi would not trade it in exchange for everything.

The saddest part though was realising that they could have made it work. Erwin could have talked to his mother about it and convince her otherwise. To accept Levi. Or if she did not, Levi was sure that Erwin could convince his mother to accept her own son, even if she hated Levi.

If Erwin was truly in love with him, he would have fought for Levi. He could have fought for their relationship. But he didn’t, and that just meant Levi loved Erwin more than Erwin loved Levi.

Levi was fully aware that the relationship was not going to end on a happy note, but he lackadaisically convinced himself that time would make a difference from them. He had plenty of time to convince Erwin to have a happily ever after with him.

But alas, loving Erwin was the sinking ship Levi knowingly boarded anyway. It was getting on board something that would never go anywhere because somehow Levi managed to convince himself that he could fix all the sinkholes on the ship and singlehandedly scoop out the water that was weighing the ship down.

_Stupid._

Levi reached for the bottle of tequila that he had previously stashed in his cupboard for special occasions. But fuck that, Levi deemed this occasion _special_ enough to pop the bottle open.

_Single, huh? Well, it certainly has been a long while._


End file.
